Ignorant Thoughts
Avoid using the word Deserve
My Gripe with the word
I don’t deserve this.
I received an opportunity I worked hard for and my partner said I deserved it. I felt unsettled when they told me this. I asked myself, why do I deserve it? Being a good person was never enough. Terrible things happen to people better than me. The natural order of things does not discriminate. If it is only her that believes I am deserving, what is the use of that?
I find the word ‘deserve’ to be terribly powerful. It implies a sense of entitlement, where you are owed something. Whilst entitlement may invoke a sense of disregard for others, it poses the necessity for earnt things to be rightly given.
The word posits, by the laws of nature, you are required to be given something in return, whether it be monetary or recognition, you are owed something. As a teacher, it was crucial to give students deserved praise. The praise recognised the student’s hard work and encouraged them to keep going.
Receiving something that is deserved feels just. When a criminal receives a sentence many will feel that they deserved it. Discrepancy and debate may occur on how harsh or light the sentence may be. Nevertheless, morally it suggests a wrong has been turned into a right.
Women deserve equal pay. Children deserve an education. Minorities deserve to be heard. We deserve another season of Kim’s Convenience. Okay, maybe not that one but the point stands. What we think we deserve and what we exactly do deserve comes into question when the criteria are unwritten.
To be Deserving
To deserve something typically requires another individual to believe that your efforts have sufficiently met an often unwritten criterion. It is this aspect of deserving, we frequently forget or consciously ignore, despite our acknowledgment of the fact. We are fully aware of what we think we deserve but are less concerned with whether other people feel the same way.
The internal characterisation we see in the mirror rarely reflects what others perceive of us, which touches on our self-awareness. This misalignment can have severe effects as we may feel mistreated and misjudged. Where you may feel undervalued and deserve a pay rise, your manager may feel otherwise. They do not recognise your hard work in the same light you do and therefore render your deserving attitude as an unearned entitlement.
The limitations of meritocracy highlight this best. Meritocracy poses a society governed by people selected according to merit. A meritocracy rewards groups and individuals based on their achievements and qualities. Simply, the more you put in, the more rewards you deserve.
Deserving is not Enough
I agree with the principles of a meritocracy. Persistence is often rewarded in a libertarian country. However, hard work is not deserving of a reward. Diligence will be overlooked and unrecognised in an unappreciative environment. A society that presents itself as meritocratic may have systematic prejudices that hinder and prevents the things we deserve.
Consequently, I am torn with the word. It is critically important to believe we are deserving of something that has been rightly earnt. But if the word is used without action, it is useless. It will leave us waiting for the world to bring us something because by the laws of nature we are owed it.
This passive approach can make us feel frustrated and fatigued, placing us in a poor position. It is because of this I dislike the word. I refuse to feel victimised and robbed if I have not received what I deserve. Rather than saying I deserve something and feeling owed, I view the matter objectively, understanding nothing is promised and that my behaviour or environment needs to change.
Go where you are Deserved.
The two best approaches to what can be done about the word. Firstly your efforts may not satisfy specified written criteria and you do not deserve an achievement despite believing so. Secondly, I champion positioning yourself in places where you are most valued. If you are not being rewarded for your actions it could be because the people around you do not notice your value. In that case, you have two options: flight or fight.
Go somewhere else by shopping around. There is undoubtedly a place suited for you. If you are one of those ‘the grass is not greener on the other side type of people, then you will need to fight your case. Convince those around you and identify the unjustness of your treatment. When a medium like Twitter exists, your story will be amplified and heard.
We must constantly question why others may not see what we deserve for ourselves, and have constructive interactions with the people who impact our lives. Deserve feels very demanding on ears that will find any excuse to reject giving you something. It also makes us sound like a nagging complainer.
In many cases we misuse the word. That is why I avoid it. I have lived my life on the mantra of ‘No one owes you anything’. I believe most people would agree and find no issue with the statement. However, the statement, ‘You do not deserve anything’, would spark immediate displeasure.
I am not advocating the latter statement. I am reframing the word to provide a better understanding of how we can close that gap between what we think and what others give. I intend to place more power back into my hands, and decide what is given to me.
