Ignorant Thoughts
Failing to Meet the Expectations of Others
Letting people down as a people pleaser
A few months back, I disappointed someone important to me. It wasn’t because I cancelled any plans or betrayed their trust. Rather, it was because I fell short of the expectations that we had set between us.
I was tasked with planning a hiking expedition in the Peak District, North of England, that would involve 4–6 hours of hiking. My role involved supervising a group of eight individuals, and I was very enthusiastic about it. I took the responsibility seriously, putting my utmost effort into it.
Unfortunately, the expedition did not go according to plan and my expectations were not met. We encountered numerous obstacles along the route, including an outdated map, unprepared members in the group, and misinterpreted instructions.
I saw the challenge given to me as an opportunity to prove my abilities and impress others. However, it resulted in my peers and supervisors losing confidence in me, causing me to feel down about my performance for months.
I have always been someone who tries to meet or even exceed other people’s expectations. To prove my capabilities, I tend to say yes and sometimes take on more responsibilities than I can handle. Reflecting I see that I do this mostly to seek the approval and satisfaction of others, and not for my benefit.
The Daily People Pleaser
Not all my cases of letting people down are as significant as the story illustrated, many of them occur during trivial daily interactions. For example, it could be not being attentive enough, forgetting to do something that I said I would, inadvertently being impolite in a social situation and failing to appreciate a kind gesture or gift.
I tend to overanalyse my conversations. I worry and constantly ask myself questions: “Was I appreciative enough? Did I show enough interest? I’m I making them feel comfortable?. Like a scientific research paper on neural activity, I analyse every detail and moment to determine if I met their expectations or if there is room for improvement.
Growing up in a tough environment, I didn’t think I needed to please others. Standing up for myself was a frequent necessity, leading me to believe that I had no issues with low self-esteem.
It makes sense to say this out loud. My desire to satisfy others comes from a need to prove that I am not a disappointment.
I think a lot of us find ourselves trying to please others. In a desperate attempt to avoid others from disliking us, we say yes to things we meant to say no to. We set flimsily personal boundaries, neglect our needs and lack authenticity. Well, I know I do.
I realise this is harmful, as I place unnecessary expectations and say things that I think the other person wants to hear. I must come to terms that I will not be able to please everyone I meet, and my best effort, are, well, my best effort. I can do better on the next attempt, and that is what I should be focusing on.
Knowing When to Please Others
I only recently found out the term people pleaser. I never knew of it and frankly, I was taken aback since I fitted the description so well.
It doesn’t ever feel nice letting someone down, and as a people pleaser the effects of feeling bad about a situation linger and worsen. A helpful tip is to learn to say “no” to requests, as it can prevent us from feeling obligated to please others.
However saying no to everything is not realistic, and so when we do say yes we must first compare expectations with our capability and resolve the difference. Communication is key to finding a solution. Simply asking “Are you satisfied with how our conversation went?” can address most of my concerns.
Clarity is an amazing remedy for feeling anxious, and in areas where we can find it, it should be the first option. Letting people down is unavoidable, and wanting to please others is natural.
Although it can be damaging if we always put the needs of others before us, I do not believe being a people pleaser is all bad. It makes us empathetic, emotionally intelligent and enjoyable to be around.
Moving forward, I must express where I may fall short on and not put too much pressure on myself to please in every scenario.
